


Condensation

by millygal



Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Pre-Slash, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 17:10:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10644336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/pseuds/millygal
Summary: Chris suffers from a terrible handicap, it's called naivety.





	

How exactly did he manage to get himself into this? It's just not cricket really is it, for God sake, he tries to play with the big boys and this's what happens.

He'd been all ready to jump right in, but that's what you get for attempting 'Anything you can do' with half the squad. He's highly likely to come out of this looking even more of a tit than he already does and now he's sat, desperately clutching a towel around his waist and praying they get out of here soon.

Who goes undercover in a bloody spa anyway? Not exactly the manliest of places to lay a sting. Where exactly do you hide your gun for a start?

They've all piled into a sauna, a bloody sauna, and they're chatting away as if they aren't almost completely naked. Chris's having real issues with his self esteem as most the blokes in here are muscled up the wazoo and the only six pack he'll ever see, will be in his fridge.

Doesn't help that Ray's sat not four feet away, oozing his usual charm and grace and turning the temperature up every time he looks in Chris's direction. 

Chris's found it's extremely hard to hide a boner in nothing but a towel. 

Ray turns to talk to the boss and Chris's eyeballs almost fall right out his head. There, on his left shoulder blade, is a tattoo. It's bloody impressive, an eagle, wings spread in flight. 

He's struck with an overwhelming urge to reach out and trace the lines, not a great idea, being surrounded by half the team and all.

Shit, well ain't that just a bitch. Not only does he now feel like a plank but he's fantasising about licking his way around that eagle to see if he can make it flap it's wings. He self consciously clutches the towel a little tighter. Now he's seen that, he definitely doesn't wanna let go of his only protection.

He could bloody kill the Guv. It's all his sodding fault.

Sam's busy outlining what they'll do once the suspect finally gets there but Chris isn't paying a whole lot of attention. He's still got his eyes firmly fixed on Ray's shoulder blade.

Trust him, trust him to have a big manly tat that puts all other pieces of body art to shame.

Sam notices Chris's dazed expression and leans over, waves a hand in front of his face and clicks his fingers, "Anyone in there, DC Skelton? Oi, wake up"

Ray finally puts his back against the wall, cutting off the view and breaking Chris out of his trance.

He jumps, lets go of his towel for a split second and that's when he realises, everyone's staring. Shit. As the towel hits the floor, he desperately scrambles to retrieve it before anyone notices. Too late, he hears howls of laughter go up, none so loud as the object of his affection, the one he's been fantasising over for god knows how long. Ray. Bugger.

"What..ok, what is **that**?"

Chris's managed to retie the towel round his waist but it's no good. Everyone's seen and everyone's gonna want an explanation. Great, just what he needs, explaining exactly how much of a div he can be.

He's stood, eyes on the floor, shoulders hunched, resigned to the inevitable. When he feels a finger graze his belly button, he almost drops the towel again.

Ray's trying to get Chris to lower his towel a little, so they can see what it is he's been trying to hide. Chris's pulse starts hammering along at a rate of knots and his breath catches in his throat, making it impossible for him to speak. 

He will not get a hard on, he will not get a hard on.

Although, embarrassment is doing a grand job of keeping his hormones in check, he still tries imagining anything he can to stop the flow of blood south.

Phyllis in a bikini, the Guv in a bikini, Sam in a bikini.....okay, he's good, he's all good.

Finally, he relents and lets the material hang low off his hips, revealing a tiny heart with 'Mother' written underneath it. It's cute, which is the problem. It's the kind of tattoo a girl gets, not a bloke, not a copper. Not only is it slightly girly, ok a lot girly, but it's spelt wrong aswell. Where the 'O' should be in mother, there's a 'U'.

"I say again, what is that, Chris?" Ray's face is so close to Chris's stomach that he can feel breath tickling the line of hair disappearing underneath the towel.

The Guv and Phyllis in bikini's oiling each other down and doing the two step. The Guv and Phyllis in bikini's oiling each other down and doing the two step. The Guv and Phyllis in bikini's oiling each other down and doing the two step.

Getting himself under control as best he can, he sighs and shakes his head, "It's a tattoo"

Sam finally pipes up, pointing towards Ray's back and smiling he says, "No, Chris mate, that's a tattoo. That on your hip, that's a doodle. Where did you get it, when did you get it and for the love of god, why did you get it?"

"Shut up" Off Sam's look he rushes to apologize, "Sorry, s'just, ok it weren't my fault"

Ray chuckles, takes a closer look, causing Chris to bite his lip and asks "'ow can that not be your fault? What, ya tripped and fell on the needle..."

Sighing and stepping away from Ray's fingers, Chris retakes his seat and starts trying to explain how much it really wasn't his fault.

"I was a beat copper right, just out of trainin' an' we all went down the pub, the Railway Arms.."

He stops, takes a deep breath and looks up to see Ray, Sam and the rest of the boys listening intently. This is the very last time he volunteers for under cover duty, that's for damn sure.

They wait patiently until Ray can't take the silence any more and he asks "And?"

Chris closes his eyes in humiliation and leans back against the wall, "Well, the Guv was there, 'cept he wasn't the Guv, he was a DI and..."

Ray holds up a hand to stop him for a second, "'ang on, if the Guv was there, where was I?"

"Dunno, you'd been kept over at the station for somethin', didn't see ya anyway. Didn't even know who you was back then"

Ray and Sam look at each other then back to Chris, silently urging him to continue. Chris shakes his head again, still not sure this is such a good idea but the rapt attention on everyone's face is enough to make him carry on.

"Anyway, me an' a few of the lads ended up drinkin' with him. I got so pissed, I mean paralytic. Couldn't even remember me own name let alone where I was"

Ray nods his head, remembering the amount of times the Guv has got him rat arsed.

"So, he says 'lets go an' see if we can find some fun' well, me bein' all new and shiny like, 'course I was gonna agree. Didn't wanna look like a prat in front of DI Hunt, did I? We'd all 'eard things 'bout him, how he was really good, a really good cop and someone you wanted to watch"

Sam snorts, causing Ray and Chris to look at him but he says nothing, knowing they won't have a word said against Gene. Even if he is a twat most the time.

"I vaguely remember leavin' the pub, I even remember the Guv tellin' me he was gonna get me somethin' to remember him by. I figured he meant a pint in another pub or somethin'. We ended up outside a tattoo parlour off of Western. I was so far gone by then, he 'ad to actually carry me in the place"

Sam and Ray both look like they know exactly where this is going but Chris can't stop now, he's almost enjoying the story. Almost.

"He chucked me in the chair, told the big bloke with earin's 'angin' out his face that I wanted a tattoo, somethin' stylish, an' then he pointed towards a huge board full of pictures. I didn't even see what he'd picked, just lead there like a prat"

Chris can see Ray fighting the urge to piss himself laughing and Sam's face isn't much better.

"That's where everythin' just kinda fades to black. I woke up the next mornin' with this..." He points to his hip "and the worst hang over known to soddin' man. I never saw the Guv again, avoided the 'Arms and refused to go up to CID for anythin' unless I 'ad to"

Sam's shoulders are shaking with barely concealed mirth and Ray's having to bite his knuckles. The other men in there with them are all falling about, holding their sides and crying with laughter.

"What 'appened when ya got promoted, why didn't yer say anythin'?"

Chris stares at Ray, shudders and closes his eyes again, "One look at the Guv told me that I'd be likely to lose a limb if I mentioned it. I'm not even sure he remembers to be honest"

At that moment, the man himself comes crashing into the room, towel hanging loosely round his waist, fag stuck to his lip. 

Everyone stops laughing, turns to stare at the Guv then starts again, louder than before.

"What?"

Even Chris is chuckling now, it's the look on the Guv's face. Completely oblivious.

"No really, what?"

Sam wipes the tears from his eyes and points a finger at Gene, "You're a complete sod, you know that?"

"What I do?"

He looks at Sam and Ray then his eyes fall on Chris's hip, still exposed. He does a double take, spots the little heart then starts opening and closing his mouth like a fish. Eventually he pulls himself together enough to point at Chris and smile, "That was you? Shit, knew I knew you from somewhere...so, did you remember me?"

Chris stands up, whips the towel from round his waist and chucks it straight at Gene's head, "With the upmost respect sir....You're a complete an' utter Git"

From beneath the towel, Gene hears Sam ask, "So, how many other poor unsuspecting beat cops you had branded?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

 


End file.
